No Rest for the Wicked, But What About Me?

Dear Sleep,

Come back, please. I miss your sweet, loving embrace. The asshole you left to keep me company leaves dark circles under my eyes. If you could just come back, even for a couple of nights, I would, really, REALLY appreciate it.

And I promise I won't drool.

...If  I can help it.

Desperately yours,
Ella Mayo

Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me...

Dear Summer School,

I think I might be the only student in the world excited to see you. I'll sit next to you at lunch, if you want.

Excitedly yours,
Ella Mayo

Springtime in the Summer

Dear Weather,

It's not Summer, yet. Could you do something about this god-forsaken heat?! Some of us don't have the luxury of air conditioning. I'm just saying...



Sweatingly yours,
Ella Mayo

Mind-field

Dear Mind of Mine,

I never lack of entertainment from you. When I sit in you, I watch my thoughts zip around like stock car races. I love it, and I feel it makes me a mindful individual. The way you sling my thoughts around reminds me that you are quite strong!

However...


I. Want. To. Sleep.

Goodnight!

Sleepily,
Ella Mayo

Tick, tick, tick...tick.....tick.......tick....

Dear Time,

You are a fickle, flighty bastard. Why is it that I never have enough of you to do all the things I love, but when I'm stuck doing something tedious, you won't leave me alone.

Make up your frigging mind!

Frustratedly yours,
Ella Mayo

Like PB&J

Dears Life & Fun,

I would really appreciate it if you two would stop avoiding each other. I can't take all this choosing one over the other. It is really stressing me out. Don't you remember all the good times when had together when I was a kid? Back then, the three of us were so inseparable, we could have been one. I know that having let Adolescence and Adulthood into the group kind of screwed around with the dynamics, but that doesn't mean that we had to go our separate ways.

I love both of you equally, and I really wish you had it in your hearts to get along again, for my sake. I feel miserable with you, Life, when all I get from you is work, bills, and depression. And, Fun? I can't hang out with you anymore without feeling guilty for having to ignore Life to have you around.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, while you're both great separately (mostly), you guys are the best when we're all together. Whaddya say?

Pleadingly yours,
Ella Mayo

Un-sunny

Dear Cancer,

Please stop fucking with my family. I'm tired of seeing you take the strongest members of my family and lay them low, eventually killing them.

I am on my path of self-discovery. I found my path that will lead to my fortuitous future, then you pop up and turn a happy time in my life to one of despair. You invade one person, but affect everyone around them. You cause nothing but hurt.

Go away, Cancer.

The thing I hate most about you is that I cannot fight you. I cannot go into my grandfather's or my father-in-law's body, beat the ever-loving shit out of you and make you leave. I can only watch as you deteriorate my loved ones.  Only sit in my room and pray, damning you all the time.

I can't wait until I've seen the last of you.

Yours in vile hate,
Ella Mayo

Money

Dear FAFSA,

I just wanted you to know that you shocked the hell out of me, and thank you for giving me money. For school, of course. If you were an actual person, I would love to have you over sometime so I could shower you with my adoration. Thank you. Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou SO MUCH.

Thankfully and adoringly yours,
Ella Mayo

Big Fucking Truck, ftw

Dear owner of the big fucking truck that hit me a year ago,

The most (only) considerate thing you did after hitting me with your truck when I was riding to work in the bike lane was asking me if I was alright. Other than that you were a great, big horse's ass! You didn't even bother getting off your cell phone to get out of the truck and check on me and my bike. Other than a sharp pain in my hip and a fucked-up real wheel, I was fine. I was picking up my cell phone from the street, ready to ride away. Then, you said it...

"Did you know you were going the wrong way?!"

I was pissed off, not willing to engage you, but you repeated yourself, making sure that I heard you. Finally, I whipped my head around and yelled back, "Did you know you're supposed to look BOTH WAYS before pulling onto the street?!"

You continued to curse and accuse as I rode away, internally whimpering from the pain in my hip.

Yes, in fact, I did know I was riding the wrong way down the bike lane. 1) I would have to cross the same road twice to get to work, since home and work are on the same side of the road. 2) I don't like the fact that riding the right way would put assholes like coming up from behind me, leaving me vulnerable to flying full beer bottles and prankster-passengers with open car doors.

Shortly, sir, I wanted to say that you were a big, burly guy in a huge, honking truck, and I was tee-tiny little female on a beach cruiser. Is that a concept you're inattentive mind can understand? You hurt me. So, I have to say this:

"STICK IT UP YOUR OBSCENELY, OVER-COMPENSATORY HUGE TAILPIPE!"

Completely sincerely,
Ella Mayo